Crazy Addiction
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: That is the nature of addiction you always need one more fix however crazy it may be and I am completely, wholeheartedly and crazily addicted to you.


**Crazy Addicton**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **None

**Pairing:- **Nicola/Ollie

**Rating:-** T

**Achieve:- ** **http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/**

**Summary:- **That is the nature of addiction you always need one more fix however crazy it may be and I am completely, wholeheartedly and crazily addicted to you.

**Author's Note:- **In answer to the "Closest thing to crazy" Challenge to write a song fic to the lyrics of "Closest thing to Crazy" by Katie Melua. Lyrics in italics slightly angsty so if you're looking for light and fluffy probably best to keep looking! Otherwise enjoy and reviews as always would be lovely!

_How can I think I'm standing strong, yet feel the air beneath my feet?_

_How can happiness feel so wrong, how can misery feel so sweet?_

The gentle brush of your hand on my skin stirs me from a restless sleep and I know you're not sleeping either. You never do, we never do, not really not when we've given in to this need for each other and committed the ultimate sin yet again. You look at me across the busy office and I convince myself this time I'll be strong, this time I'll not give in I can do and the stab of pain that feelings sends through my heart reminds me that it's real. It reminds me that as unhappy as resisting you makes me it's the right thing to do, the feelings remind me that I'm making a sacrifice they remind me that what I feel for you is real and I revel in it. Every time I'm sure I will do it this time, I'll say no, we can't do this but I already know you've caught me in your web again and I'm dangling seconds from falling into your arms once more to lose myself in how amazing you make me feel in spite of the guilt I know I will feel afterward.

_How can I let you watch me sleep, the break my dreams the way you do?_

_How can I have got in so deep, why did I fall in love with you?_

I can feel your eyes on me and I know you are feeding your own addiction right now. I've caught you so many times staring at me as I sleep and you've told me it's what gets you through the days and weeks when we tell ourselves again that this can't happen anymore. I know I should let you know I'm awake, I should accept that the moment is coming when you'll tell me you're sorry that you shouldn't have given in to your need for me and we can't be together. I can't though because as much as you're addicted to watching me sleep to get you through I'm addicted to the feel of your body close to mine and the tenderness I feel in your touch. I still can't believe this is happening to me, 20 years of fidelity, 20 years of marriage that died so long ago I've forgotten when that was, 20 years with a husband who doesn't know the meaning of the word fidelity and I've never strayed. I've always believed my marriage vows were real but somehow when you tumbled into my life or rather I tumbled into yours the wheels were already in motion for me to forget that. I can't tell you or anyone else the moment I fell in love with you, if I'd known it was happening I'd have stopped it, or tried to at least yet here I am head over heels in love with someone I should never be with, determined every time it happens that it won't again yet knowing it always does and always will.

_How can you make me fall apart, then break my fall with loving lies?_

_It's so easy to break a heart, it's so easy to close your eyes._

"I'm sorry I know we promised and it'll be different this time. I love you but I know how every time we do this it takes a little more of you. I won't put us in this position again Nicola I promise." Its all I can do not to laugh and the myriad of emotions your words set off. Your asserting that we will stop breaks my heart, your acceptance of how it makes me feel afterward only heightens my guilt, the regret in your voice makes me want to cry with the way it can send an icy shard through the warmth between us. Heartbreak, regret, guilt all tumble together yet the since phrase amongst it all, the three words that shine through it all like a beacon are "I love you" I can ignore the but, I can take those three words and use them to sooth the gaping wounds our weakness has opened but it doesn't last long. You fall silent again pulling me closer in direct contrast to your words and I wonder if you know how much it breaks my heart that we keep saying never again? Is it easier for you to say that to appease your own guilt and try to ease mine or are your genuine when the words fall so easily from your lips? When you close your eyes and hold me close are you really thinking it's the last time you'll do it? Do you really understand what that does to me?

_How can you treat me like a child, when like a child I yearn for you?_

_How can you make me feel so wild, how can you make me feel so blue?_

"Ollie don't, please, don't say the same things we've said a thousand times before it's worse than planning to be together don't you realise that?" You try to quiet me with the sort of soothing gentle kisses on the top of my head that I would placate my children with and I wonder if you think for a second how crazy this is, I wonder if you know how much you belittle the love we have by going through this same playacting every time. For all my guilt, for all the agony I feel over the fact I have fallen so completely in love with you I believe I could cope. I believe I could accept that the sin was committed out of love and while that didn't make it any less deadly it would give me a reason to carry on where it not for this constant conversation, the constant circles we run in. Where it not for the days or weeks or however long it lasts this time in between our moments of weakness I could accept that my fidelity was entirely dependent on my lack of interest in the men around me and now that you have arrived in my life everything has changed. I could come to terms with that in myself if it weren't for the fact that you seem determined to take me to the ends of the earth so we can be together one minute then when we're done want to make it all go away again. In all the years I've been with James he's never made me feel so elated and yet so unhappy in the space of two hours and I doubt he ever could. Then again I don't believe I ever loved him the way I love you another thing to add to check damnation checklist for my soul.

_This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been, feeling twenty-two acting seventeen_

_This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known, I was never crazy on my own…._

_And now I know that there's a link between the two, being close to craziness and being close to you._

For all your words the closeness of our bodies, the combination of yours needs and mine have broken our reserve and your lips have changed from the soothing gentle kisses to calm me to the heated hungry meeting with mine that makes every hormone in my body go into over drive. With you I feel like I did before marriage, before children, before government and the madness of real like. You make me act like a teenager who can't get enough of her first love and I can't help but wonder if I should be longing for the days when I thought these feelings were lost to me forever. When I had accepted the end of my marriage and the hollowness of the life I had it seemed easier than this. The whirlwind of emotion and love that I thought have lost make my mind explode when your close, it makes all reason, all logic, all common sense fly out the window and I am insane with love and need for you. As we lose ourselves again in something only moments ago we swore would never happen again I wonder if it was timing, if it could have been anyone, if I just needed someone to make me feel again but I know that's not the case. It's you, you are the person I was waiting for, only you could have lit this fire in me again and no matter how we try to deny it I know this will never end, there will never be a last time until one of us breaths our last breath. You are the thing that turns my head, makes me forget all the reasons I shouldn't be doing this and drive me wild. You are my very own crazy addiction and even though I know I will leave her soon making the same promises you did that it will be the last time it couldn't ever be. That is the nature of addiction you always need one more fix however crazy it may be and I am completely, wholeheartedly and crazily addicted to you.


End file.
